Forgiveness: The Wonder Drug

Forgiveness: The Wonder Drug

Luke 11
1And it came to pass, that, as he was praying in a certain place, when he ceased, one of his disciples said unto him, Lord, teach us to pray, as John also taught his disciples.
2And he said unto them, When ye pray, say, Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, as in heaven, so in earth.
3Give us day by day our daily bread. 4And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us.

Matt 18:21
Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
22Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
23Therefore is the kingdom of heaven likened unto a certain king, which would take account of his servants.
24And when he had begun to reckon, one was brought unto him, which owed him ten thousand talents.
25But forasmuch as he had not to pay, his lord commanded him to be sold, and his wife, and children, and all that he had, and payment to be made.
26The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
27Then the lord of that servant was moved with compassion, and loosed him, and forgave him the debt. 28But the same servant went out, and found one of his fellowservants, which owed him an hundred pence: and he laid hands on him, and took him by the throat, saying, Pay me that thou owest. 29And his fellowservant fell down at his feet, and besought him, saying, Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all.
30And he would not: but went and cast him into prison, till he should pay the debt. 31So when his fellowservants saw what was done, they were very sorry, and came and told unto their lord all that was done. 32Then his lord, after that he had called him, said unto him, O thou wicked servant, I forgave thee all that debt, because thou desiredst me:
33Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee? 34And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. 35So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.

Today we explore the topic Forgiveness: The Wonder Drug

The story of Amy Biehl is fascinating. She wins a Fulbright Scholarship to work in the anti-apartheid movement South Africa and is murdered in riot. After years of grief, her parents Linda and Peter quit their jobs and move to South Africa to try to complete the work their daughter started.

Eventually Amy's parents meet two of their daughter's killers, who are now full of remorse. The two young men, who have been pardoned through the Truth & Reconciliation process, try to atone for their crime by doing public service for a foundation the Biehls established in Amy's name. Amy's parents forgive the two killers and they become friends, so much so that the young men address Amy's mother as "Mom."

Exceptional though the Bielhs are their experience is an unusually dramatic example of a rule that applies to everyone: Forgiveness is good not just for the person who is forgiven, but also for the person who forgives. www.beliefnet.com

Traditionally, we think of forgiveness as a blessing extended to the transgressor. It eases his or her conscience. The usual thinking with respect to the person who does the forgiving is that they are engaged in a gallant self-sacrifice. In this traditional view, the forgiven person benefits while the forgiver gains nothing. But what if forgiveness is just as important for the person who forgives as for the person forgiven? What if it's in your self-interest to forgive, because you will be better off?

Clinical psychologist, Everett Worthington, Jr., author of "Five Steps to Forgiveness: The Art and Science of Forgiving." is a professor at Virginia Commonwealth University and a pioneer in forgiveness research. Professor Worthington has found that people who won't forgive the wrongs committed against them tend to have negative indicators of health and well-being: more stress-related disorders, lower immune-system function, and worse rates of cardiovascular disease than the population as a whole. In effect, by failing to forgive they punish themselves.

Unforgiving people are also thought to experience higher rates of divorce. This also reduces well-being, given that married men and women consistently do better on most health barometers, including longevity.

In contrast people who forgive, Worthington finds, may have better health, fewer episodes of clinical depression, longer marriages and better "social support," another indicator of well-being. This latter means forgiving people get along better with others, who in turn come to their aid in social-support situations.

In effect then forgiveness is like a wonder drug!

Forgiveness research is a comparatively new field. Psychologist Kenneth Pargament of Bowling Green University says that while psychology has long studied the coping mechanisms that people use to deal with anger, resentment, and desire for revenge when they are wronged, only recently has forgiveness become a common subject of research. This is true despite the fact that in some cases, forgiveness is the ultimate form of coping.

A study at the University of Northern Iowa of psychological treatment plans for adult women who had been victims of childhood incest found that those who went through forgiveness therapy experienced less anxiety and clinical depression than a control group. Gains for the forgiveness group also persisted after the therapy ended.

A study of elderly women, published in the journal Psychotherapy, found that those who scored well on a standard test of forgiveness traits had higher self-esteem and fewer episodes of anxiety and depression compared to those who scored poorly.

Research is beginning to say that, in most cases, most people will be better off if they forgive others for wrongs experienced during life--anything from small transgressions to horrific tragedies such as suffered by Linda and Peter Biehl. Forgive others because it's good for you. And if you make the world a more peaceful place in so doing, that's a nice bonus.

The Mayo Clinic advises that when you don't practice forgiveness, you may be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you embrace peace, hope, gratitude and joy.

The benefits of forgiving someone

Researchers have recently become interested in studying the effects of being unforgiving and being forgiving. Evidence is mounting that holding on to grudges and bitterness results in long-term health problems. Forgiveness, on the other hand, offers numerous benefits, including:
Lower blood pressure
Stress reduction
Less hostility
Better anger management skills
Lower heart rate
Lower risk of alcohol or substance abuse
Fewer depression symptoms
Fewer anxiety symptoms
Reduction in chronic pain
More friendships
Healthier relationships
Greater religious or spiritual well-being
Improved psychological well-being

Why do we hold grudges and become resentful and unforgiving?
The people most likely to hurt us are those closest to us — our partners, friends, siblings and parents. When we're hurt by someone we love and trust — whether it's a lie, betrayal, rejection, abuse or insult — it can be extremely difficult to overcome. And even minor offences can turn into huge conflicts.

When you experience hurt or harm from someone's actions or words, whether this is intended or not, you may begin experiencing negative feelings such as anger, confusion or sadness, especially when it's someone close to you.

These feelings may start out small. But if you don't deal with them quickly, they can grow bigger and more powerful. They may even begin to crowd out positive feelings. Grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility take root when you dwell on hurtful events or situations, replaying them in your mind many times.

Soon, you may find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice. You may feel trapped and may not see a way out. It's very hard to let go of grudges at this point and instead you may remain resentful and unforgiving.

Luke 6: Love for Enemies
27"But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, 28bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. 29If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. 30Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. 31Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them. 33And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that. 34And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners,' expecting to be repaid in full. 35But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. 36Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

The processing of events has a great deal to do with the capacity to forgive. How you file away events will greatly influence whether you are able to get past them in the future. Sometimes we record the events in such a manner as to make it extremely difficult for us to respond positively in the future.

The turn the other cheek admonition is therefore a call for us to filter developments from a perspective of love and caring for others. We need to be especially careful to take into account the circumstances that could have led to the wrong being committed.

What could have led the actor to commit the action? If you do this from a position of love for others then your recording of the event might not be as tightly wrapped up with resentment, hate and a spirit of un-forgiveness.

How do I know it's time to try to embrace forgiveness?

When we hold on to pain, old grudges, bitterness and even hatred, many areas of our lives can suffer. When we are unforgiving, we pay the price over and over. We may bring our anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience. Our lives may be so wrapped up in the wrong that we can't enjoy the present.

Other signs that it may be time to consider forgiveness include:
Dwelling on the events surrounding the offence
Hearing from others that you have a chip on your shoulder or that you're wallowing in self-pity
Using the bad experience to paint new experiences
Being avoided by family and friends because they don't enjoy being around you
Having angry outbursts at the smallest perceived slights
Often feeling misunderstood
Drinking excessively, smoking or using drugs to try to cope with your pain
Having symptoms of depression or anxiety
Being consumed by a desire for revenge or punishment
Automatically thinking the worst about people or situations
Regretting the loss of a valued relationship
Feeling like your life lacks meaning or purpose
Feeling at odds with your religious or spiritual beliefs
The bottom line is that you may often feel miserable in your current life.

2 Cor 2:
Forgiveness for the Sinner
5If anyone has caused grief, he has not so much grieved me as he has grieved all of you, to some extent—not to put it too severely. 6The punishment inflicted on him by the majority is sufficient for him. 7Now instead, you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. 8I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him.

Nine Steps to Forgiveness - Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

What if the offender is you?

Many people find it difficult to forgive themselves. They carry a burden of guilt with them continually. A failure to forgive yourself has the same implications for ill health, lack of happiness and challenging inter-personal relations.

A survey conducted by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan found that nearly three-quarters of respondents felt God had forgiven them for their sins. Incidentally, only 52 percent had forgiven someone else. The survey also supported the contentions that older people are more likely to forgive than the young, and that older people who forgive are rewarded by improved health. "The benefits of forgiveness seem to increase with age," psychologist Loren Toussaint, the lead researcher, said.

Are you among the 75% who believe that your sins have been forgiven? Or are you lumbering under the load of guilt?

Psalm 25: 7Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions: according to thy mercy remember thou me for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.

Psalm 32:
1Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.
2Blessed is the man unto whom the LORD imputeth not iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no guile. 3When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long. 4For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah. 5I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin.

Psalm 86:5 You are forgiving and good, O Lord, abounding in love to all who call to you.

Jeremiah 31:34
And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.

What if I'm the one who needs forgiveness?
It may help to spend some time thinking about the offence you have committed and trying to determine the effect it has had on others. Unless it may cause more harm or distress, consider admitting the wrong you have done to those you have harmed, speaking of your sincere sorrow or regret, and specifically asking for forgiveness — without making excuses.

But if this seems unwise because it may further harm or distress, don't do it — it's not about making yourself feel better by apologizing. You don't want to add salt to a painful wound. Also, keep in mind that you can't force someone to forgive you. They will need to move to forgiveness in their own time.

In any case, we have to be willing to forgive ourselves. Holding on to resentment against yourself can be just as toxic as holding on to resentment against someone else. Recognize that poor behaviour or mistakes don't make you worthless or bad.

Accept the fact that you — like everyone else — are not perfect. Accept yourself despite your faults. Admit your mistakes. Commit to treating others with compassion, empathy and respect. And again, talking with a brother or sister, mental health provider or trusted friend or relative may be helpful.

Forgiveness of yourself or someone else, though not easy, can transform your life. Instead of dwelling on the injustice and revenge, instead of being angry and bitter, you can move toward a life of peace, compassion, mercy, joy and kindness.


1 John 1 is both challenging and at the same time a source of freedom for Christians.

5This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. 6If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. 7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin.
8If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. 9If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 10If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives.

7But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all[b] sin.

That applies to persons who are in Christ. To be in Christ the following is required:

You must hear the good news of Jesus, His atoning sacrifice for our sins and His resurrection. Rom 10:14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them?

You must also believe the good news.
Heb 11: 6 And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

Faith is not enough. We are called to act on our belief and to make a decision to no longer let sin reign in our lives but to seek to live in obedience to God. This is the very important act of repentance.

Luke 13: 2 Jesus answered, “Do you think that these Galileans were worse sinners than all the other Galileans because they suffered this way? 3 I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish.

You then have to confess Jesus as Lord of your life. This is a public declaration of your belief that Jesus is the Son of the Living God:

Rom 10: 8-10 But what does it say? “The word is near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart,” that is, the word of faith we are proclaiming: 9 That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Another major step is that you must be baptized for the removal of our sins. This is a step that is either left out completely or is comprised in attempts to make salvation more convenient.
Gal 3:26 For ye are all sons of God, through faith, in Christ Jesus. 27For as many of you as were baptized into Christ did put on Christ.

At that point you have put on Christ and you are in Christ. Good things happen when you are in Christ. Burdens are lifted from your shoulders. You experience the blessings that come from forgiveness and should find it easier to be forgiving in turn.

If you are in Christ then you must learn to forgive yourself. If God is able to forgive you why are you so determined to hold on to your guilt?

Failing to forgive is unhealthy mentally, physically and spiritually. Forgiving is a wonder drug. Make a wise choice!