Choosing a Mate

.....You guys must have had access to this information....great choice!

Choosing a mate


At a time when marriage is very much in the air and divorces are prevalent these issues might be useful as a guide to those who seek to enter in the honourable institution of marriage (sooner or later).....for the long haul.

1. Fear of God
a. If someone fears God there is a limit to the kinds of things that they will be comfortable doing.
b. If no evidence of this fear is displayed prior to the wedding do not bank on it emerging after. (Best behaviour and accommodating attitudes are usually more on display before the rings go on. Deal with critical issues then!)

2. Attitude to the institution of marriage
a. What signals are being sent? Is the subject dodged are openly discussed?
b. Is “family” a part of the dialogue?
c. What can be discerned about views on the “Family God’s way”?

3. What life would be like with this person as your partner at age 60, 70, 80?
a. What if 6-pack is now punch bowl?
b. What if Coca Cola bottle shape is now 2 litre bottle?
c. What if you were ill in bed would this person take care of you?
d. What if the person was ill would you be able to commit to caring for him/her?

7 keys not usually discussed:

1. How is the union going to be financed?
a. Going to bed hungry puts pressure on people and their relationships
b. Money is not the key to happiness but we fool ourselves if we fail to reflect on how money issues can enhance or put pressure on our marriages
c. Consider also the issue of offspring and what kind of opportunities you want to create for them and the resources that will be required
d. This evaluation need not be limited to the current status of the parties. What is intended is that some thought should be given to a financial game plan. Economic viability might reduce one of the pressures on the marriage.
e. There is a life style to which you have become accustomed or that you yearn to have, if that does not appear attainable, are you willing to give that up for a life with this person?

2. Background of your prospective mate.
a. The less different the backgrounds the better the chances of success
b. Check the family history as it relates to marital relationships…Offspring are likely to consult with their parents and close relatives. A track record of solid commitment to marriage vows is a good indicator.
c. “Married” may be a disqualifier. Also, remember that the only divorce that God recognizes is on the grounds on adultery.
d. Strong differences in culture, attitudes, behavioural norms and values place more hurdles to be cleared to make the marriage work.

3. Comfort level with prospective in-laws …both ways
a. Are the prospective in-laws comfortable with you? Are they happy to see you? Can they bear being with you if partner is not around? Are they always "just leaving" when you arrive?
b. Reverse the questions with respect to your feelings about them.

4. Approach to handling conflict
a. Are there anger management issues?
b. Does violence enter the picture?....slap, scratch, (maybe disguised as “play”) Physical abuse must be identified early and addressed fundamentally. If in doubt, you might want to move on.
c. How are 3rd parties handled...especially persons who might be in a weaker position? Is there a tendency to mis-use having the upper hand?

5. Sense of fair play
a. What happens when games are played? Is it about winning at all costs?
b. Is there is tendency to get an edge by using questionable tactics?
c. Is the person a sore loser or intolerable winner?

6. Physical attraction
a. This is an issue that is not often discussed in this kind of forum, but it is important to understand that sexual compatibility is one of the planks on which successful marriages are built.
b. Healthy “chemistry” between the partners is a plus for the sustainability of the relationship.
c. NO SAMPLING! The vast numbers of single mothers who do not get married is an indication that sampling is not a guarantee of purchase.
E.g.:
You have 2 weeks vacation so you visit Sandals Resort.... “I would like to test if this is the place to spend vacation...... May I have a sample night please?”
Well you might have had a great stay but you feel the need to see if Super Clubs is better. On the other hand, if you had checked in with your money on the line, you would have been more likely to commit to spending the entire vacation at Sandals.

7. Shared interests
a. Do you have common interests? The more the merrier.
b. Is the person open to new ideas and activities?
c. Are they willing to become involved in your passions?
d. What about the friends on either side: Do you like the partner’s friends and do they like you?
e. THE ALL TIME ULTIMATE SINGLE FACTOR TEST: Can you converse easily for extended periods on a variety of topics outside of each other’s physical presence…i.e. on the phone or IM?

The above takes time. Hence the pop song: “Take time to know her, don’t rush into this thing”.